Airplane travel can be extremely irritating. You can almost expect to be annoyed, hassled with, or even butt cavity searched because your tan looks a little middle easterny. However, I will enlighten you on how to revolt back and take revenge on the annoyances of airplane travel by being even more annoying than the 4 year old kid behind you with the bag of sugar kicking your seat. Here are seven ways on how to annoy the shit out of everyone around you.
1. Cry Loudly.
Why should babies have all the fun? You deserve some attention too. As soon as the plane takes off, just have yourself a good healthy cry for the entire duration of the flight. Nobody can stop you, it’s not like they’re gonna arrest you for having some personal issues. In fact, it would be incredibly rude to mistreat a saddened individual in such a way just for expressing his or her god given emotions. So when you cry, hold that chin up high, and keep those teary eyes open partially while staring into the person’s eyes nearest to you. This will make them feel obligated to console you, making them even more annoyed.
2. Recite A Dramatic Play.
Have your 80 page playwright on hand? Well then warm up your vocals and start rehearsing all the characters in the play as well as the actions taking place. Don’t just silently read the script, get into character. Harness the words and make the pages come alive! If anybody gives you trouble, just tell them your audition is only months away and you must practice, practice, practice!
3. Organize Your DVD Collection In The Bathroom.
Bring a large sleeved DVD binder on board, as well as hundreds of your favorite DVD’s and start organizing them in private, because you don’t need those nosy people looking at your DVDs. It doesn’t matter what order you organize them in, you can even change things up mid-organization. Maybe you decide Z-A is better than A-Z because all the good movies start with “The” and that’s a little closer to Z. You can even throw some of your unwanted DVD’s in the toilet, it’s not like its going to clog it up or anything, that’s what the hole in the middle of the DVD is for. If anyone knocks because your taking too long, just tell them these DVD’s aren’t going to organize themselves.
4. Scream Frantically You Don’t Know Who You Are Or How You Got Here.
You’re a modern day Jason Bourne. You wake up suddenly on an airplane, going god knows where, and everything seems normal, but it obviously is NOT! What is your name? Where is your damn family? Do you even have a family? You need answers now, so DEMAND them! Find the bad guy foreigners who did this to you, they should be in coach. Run up and down the aisles, wide-eyed and paranoid, looking for someone with peculiar body language. That’s your man, QUICK, take a picture of him, make sure the flash is on. Now sit back down in your seat, quickly put on your seat-belt, and immediately fall asleep. Do not respond to anybody trying to poke you to stop snoring or to move your foot from the isle. Every once in a while, sleep walk a karate move so they know you’re still alive.
5. Document Your Thoughts Aloud On A Tape Recorder.
The human mind is a beautiful thing, we are literally incapable of not thinking, even for a split second, which is why this can be quite annoying. Just speak whatever thoughts arise into your head, and be as honest and pessimistic as you can. Talk about how much you are uncomfortable around old people because they smell like wet leaves and death. Say you want to sit on a fat woman’s thighs. Or just complain endlessly about how the flight attendant has a very ugly face structure. Have racist thoughts about a particular minority? Then share it. Having a problem with a highly contagious rash derived from your pubic region? Share it. Want to have sex in the bathroom with somebody nearby, then share it loud enough so they can hear it. This might work in your favor if you mention the rash after you have sex.
6. Learn How to play the Saxophone.
Everyone knows that when you go on an airplane, you time travel. It’s a fact. So what would you do if you could go back in time? Would you do better in school? Never pick up that first needle? Maybe you would have asked if she was eighteen first? Most people say they would want to learn how to play an instrument, so why not the saxophone? Its easy to store, easy to learn in just a few hours, and its easy to make new friends as Saxophones are known to be very soothing to the ears. However, since you are at high altitudes, be sure to play extra loud since everyone’s ears haven’t been popped yet.
7. Give Yourself a Tongue Bath
Airplanes are breeding grounds for bacteria, so you need to be ahead of the game. We live in a backwards time where there are no showers on an airplane, so we need to resort to our primitive roots. Start tonguing the hands as a start, then move up to your arms. Take your time with your armpits and for god’s sake, don’t be afraid to take off your clothes. You’ll be thanking yourself later when you avoided the clap by cleaning out your sack. Typical tongue baths last up to an hour for cats, so since were like 12 times the size of a normal cat, you should be doing this for the entire flight.
There are plenty of ways to annoy your peers on an airplane for personal amusement. However, never pretend to put the lives of others in danger, unless its like really funny, because you might get detained by an air marshal or even shot… So yeah. Do yo thang.